Magnum PI to Customer Services

Today has been a rather dull one. I offered to take the mother to the supermarket, and this naturally entailed taking her to the doctor's beforehand. 'I won't be long' were her exact words. Half an hour later she emerged. Apparently her doctor is a Catalan. I asked if she had a vaguely Russian accent, and mother replied "I thought she was Polish". This means yes, I think. During the epic half hour, I noticed that Featherstone has quite a large population of the elderly. God, I hate the elderly.

And then it happened. I made it to Tesco. I really HATE Tesco. More than I hate the elderly. You enter into what can only be described as a hollowed out warehouse with giant frontal windows, and the first thing that greets you is a giant cardboard cut out of a pile of shopping baskets. One blue, the colour of innocence and globalisation, and one green, the colour of evil and world domination (According to Tesco). This of course represents Tesco and ASDA. Now all good Yorkshire-folk know that ASDA is the superior supermarché, and that Tesco are the anti-christ in supermarket form. If this isn't enough, they get you whilst you're going round, making your purchases, with snidey little jibes like "ooo aren't you glad you came to buy your obscure brand of crackers here - they're 3pence more in Sainsbury's".

I got my revenge. I spent the whole time saying rather loudly "HOW MUCH?!" at everything, enraging my mother who is Tesco's number one fan. This was followed by "It's cheaper at Sainsbury's!" and then by "Shut up, Martin!" Failing that, I said rather loudly "LIES!" in response to their signs telling me how expensive other supermarkets were. They attacked Sainsbury's. They went too far.

Also, I swear to God I heard the tannoy announce "Magnum PI to the Customer Service desk". As if my shock wasn't enough, they announced it again. Oh Tesco.